So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
