If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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