Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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