I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
