Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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