New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
