He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
