I can't breathe out the right side of my face
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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