The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
