I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
