I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
