i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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