need another drink. this is the easiest way
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
