My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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