i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
