I hate your face
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
