what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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