I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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