STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
