You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
