On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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