six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
