I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
