i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
