Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
