i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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