life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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