Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
