I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
