You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
