I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
