I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
