there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
