wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My dad is sitting where you rode me
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
