I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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