I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
