new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
