textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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