need another drink. this is the easiest way
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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