What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
