so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
