remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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