so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
