Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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