my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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