2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
