I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
