Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Shame is for Republicans.
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