oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
