I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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